Such an important day really. A lot of it is about patience I think. When you look forward to a specific date and then it comes but doesn't go as planned. Or when you have a date in mind but something amazing comes even earlier. Shane's due date was today but 2006. But he came August 22nd 2006. He has changed my life more than you know. I had no idea who I was until that beautiful boy blessed my life. And today one his due date he got his first phone, and I have to say it's been hard letting go of the baby I raised and seeing him become a pre-teen. Seeing the impermanence of life, and just hoping that with how deeply we love no matter what happens it can't be lost. No matter how many times we die and fight to be seen. That ultimately we will always be connected. That we can truly never be destroyed because we are energy. One time I said to Shane, "I'm sad that you are getting older and won't always be my baby." He said to me "Even though my body ages my soul will be the same." I mean this kid has truly blown me away since day one. I can barely contain the love and sorrow in my heart some times because of it. There are certain people that come into your life and for whatever reason move you beyond measure. Another one who has changed me has a birthday today. It's no coincidence that it's on this significant date. And today we got into a fight, and it broke my heart. It just reminds me of how hard we all are on ourselves. I wanted to beat myself up and tell myself I fucked it all up until I realized I've done that my whole life. Thinking I was fucking everything up. I just can't do that to myself anymore. And I can't keep beating myself up that I'm not the perfect mother, or friend, or anything for that matter. Because no one is perfect, and it's time I accept that. I'm ready to really love myself and to in turn truly love others. I was always beating myself up so the ones I loves got it too. I just want to be grateful for the people in my life who give me so much love. You have changed my life and I love you all.
So, I re-read some of my older blogs and I got embarrassed because I saw how much I had written that things were shifting. But it's true. It seems like it's one shift after another. And it's not always fun and easy. The shifts are always towards higher consciousness but sometimes they bring with it headaches, depression, crying, fatigue, etc. But ultimately I'm okay with it because I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to God. I'm healing that parts of myself that felt so disconnected to the Universal oneness. And it's so awesome. I'm really feeling my power, and ability to manifest a good life. One that portrays my truest hearts desires. And I'm just excited about the future, while also really appreciating and loving my present. I'm blessed and just grateful to be alive and to feel love as deeply as I do.
I'm different now. It's hard to explain but I'll try. Something truly shifted. And it's not that I'm necessarily "happier", I'm just more me. More authentic. Like I'm seeing parts of myself so clearly and they're not all pretty but they're not that bad either. It's just better that I'm finally seeing them. And I'm starting to truly have faith that the universe has my back. Even when I'm writhing in pain. I have a deep belief that everything is a divine plan. I'm being looked out for in all of this. Even when my ego is screaming and hurting I allow myself to feel the pain while coming back to myself and remembering I'm safe and looked after by the universe. So I'll continue to breathe and I look forward to seeing what life has in store for me, while also being thankful for all I already have. <3
Things are shifting pretty quickly on my end. I just keep coming back to myself every time I'm triggered. And I'm taking really good care of myself. I'm saying no to things and people, and making sure I take care of my soul. I'm doing those meditations I talked about last post almost every day, and it's helping me to truly realize everything I've always wanted is already within me. The twin flame partnership I truly desire is already inside of me. So, it's really helped me feel less alone, and has also calmed my urgent one a lot. I still have worries, but my faith is starting to truly make a difference with them. I still get antsy, trust me. There's an aliveness within me that I have yet to fully tap into, but I know I will. Because it's up to me. And I will keep doing the work. Every damn day I will go deeper and deeper within myself to find more magic. So it's impossible for anyone to stand in my way, because it's up to me. I will manifest the life of my dreams. But my truest dreams, the dream that my soul song sings. And it's gonna be rad as fuck. With that being said, I already live an amazing life. My home is dope as fuck, my son is seriously beyond incredible, I have such cool jobs, and I feel more and more free each day. Oh, and I stumbled onto this spiritual journey about 7-8 years ago. So, I have to remember to count my blessings every time I get ahead of myself. Because I'm pretty damn blessed. Thank you God, thank you Universe.
Something happened today. It's hard to explain. I slipped into old patterning, where I blame the external for my unhappiness. And I expressed it, but then something shifted. I decided I wasn't going to fall into my old pattern again. I stepped back and saw the big picture. That I'm truly just playing a role in this whole collective game. And I don't want to get stuck in being "right". But truly, because most people get so stuck in their personal perspective. I just want to allow people to be themselves, and find my way to freedom. And have faith I'll always be right where I belong. I then found an amazing meditation online. I'd share it but honestly I'm embarrassed about it, because I guess it's out there in a romantic kind of way. And I listened to two of these meditations, and they changed me. I'll be doing them every day honestly. It brought me a kind of peace I haven't felt in a long, long time. I feel a kind of wholeness, where my inner patriarch partnered with my inner matriarch. An eternal union within myself finally "clicked". I know I may wake up tomorrow feeling shitty, but I feel like something big happened tonight. I'll keep going through the darkness, if it means getting to experience more and more of my wholeness each time. Man, the healing path is so hard, but I promise it's worth it. And this is from someone who earlier today wanted to quit it all.
All I can see right now is black. I'm in total hell. I can not find the light. I think it's because I'm finally including negative, so it feels like that's all there is. But man it's thick and I'm barely making it out alive. I can barely leave my house. And I'm so beyond bored, but it's almost like I have no choice but to stay in this nothingness. And I'm trying to find my faith here. I'm trying to find my freedom. But wow, I'm really in the depths this time. And I know I've been here before but every time it feels brand new. You just keep spiraling through the same places, but as a new person. I will continue to find my way out of this prison and into my heart. I will never ever give up this fight.
Dude. I am in pain. Like big time heart break. It's pretty crazy actually. I think for the first time I'm actually letting myself be vulnerable to it. I'm not as ashamed to be such a mush. Cause I feel deeply. And man I was hurt as a little girl. And somehow those wounds were leading my life, directing the ship. Bringing me to situations that would enforce my low self-worth. But something has shifted. I'm no longer scared to express where I'm at. Well, I take that back. I'm still scared, but I go through with it. I used to open up in almost a fake way. I'd share a part of myself while still being totally defended. I'd tell someone I love them, but it was wrapped up in all these expectations. And I'd be so angry at them if they couldn't give me what I wanted. But I'm done taking things personally. I mean it still stings, and my feelings go wild, but I ride those waves until I come back home to myself. And that's all I ever wanted. Was to have a home for myself. A place that felt safe. And i realize you truly can't make a home out of others. You just can't it's not how this all works. And now all I can do is have faith. The word "Kavannah" in Hebrew means devotion. And I know I have a ton. And I will continue to devote myself to my healing work and to meeting each and every moment as best I can. I want to be brave, honest, and kind. I can't wait to see what unfolds, even though there's a part of me that's still scared shitless. I think I still don't truly believe all my wildest dreams can come true. But I'll tell you what. I will never stop trying.
Man, I am really being put through the ringer right now. It's unreal. The rage that I'm feeling in my body is almost unbearable. And there's no one to blame this time. So who do I yell at? God? Sure. Why not. Cause I'm so over life being so hard. I truly am. I want to feel alive, not tortured. And I am sick of fighting with people as I claim my voice and my space in this world. But it seems to be all I do lately. I'm just over it. Totally and completely over how hard life feels right now. This journey is wearing me down. Will I keep going? Of course. Like I have any other fucking option. Seriously. What else could I do? Quit? Go back to sleep? But what the fuck. Gotta just keep riding these fucking waves as gracefully as possible. But I swear to God...
So, Shane asked me to go to Police Academy Camp and I said yes even though my heart hurt over it. I want Shane to be able to make decisions for himself about what he wants in life even if I disagree. So today I took him and they let the parents stay and watch if they want. What I witnessed horrified and deeply upset me. Police officers were getting in children's faces and screaming at them either to run in place harder or just because they were swaying while standing. Many children wept while this happened. I witnessed kids having to build up defense mechanisms right before my eyes in order to survive. I watched parents smiling and even laughing as police officers yelled in their children's faces. It's so easy to convince ourselves that being treated like that is acceptable but it's not. The first moment I had I walked up to Shane to see if he was alright. A police officer had just yelled in his face because his posture wasn't what the man thought it should be. Trust me it took everything in me not to tell the police officer to suck my dick. When I got up to Shane I saw that he was silently crying. I said "I think we should go" and he silently nodded yes. My heart was breaking. I don't even blame the police officers because so many of us have been taught that this kind of behavior is acceptable. Many of us have been raised in homes that were either physically or emotionally abusive and told ourselves that it was okay because we had to. Especially when we suffered violence from our parents who we feel we need to love and respect. But I am here to say it is not okay to be treated like this. It's beautiful to be sensitive and it's beautiful to speak out when something is hurting you. And it's soooooo important to cry and express yourself. That is strength, that is compassion.
I am fuming right now. It drips out of me like syrup sweet, thick and sticky. I can't believe I'm here again. It almost seems like nothing I do can allow me to escape this discomfort. Except I know that's not totally true. I can continue to fight to stay awake. To speak my truth. And that won't save me from the tragedies that life will bring, but it allow me to not suffer unproductively. So I will sit with this feeling, I will swim through the mucky tar as best I can. And I will go deeper and deeper inside myself. I will continue to find the light that I had buried so deep inside me. And I will have faith. Tons and tons of faith that if I continue to meet each moment with as much presence and integrity as possible I will have what I've always truly wanted. To feel alive.