Wow

Dude. I am in pain. Like big time heart break. It's pretty crazy actually. I think for the first time I'm actually letting myself be vulnerable to it. I'm not as ashamed to be such a mush. Cause I feel deeply. And man I was hurt as a little girl. And somehow those wounds were leading my life, directing the ship. Bringing me to situations that would enforce my low self-worth. But something has shifted. I'm no longer scared to express where I'm at. Well, I take that back. I'm still scared, but I go through with it. I used to open up in almost a fake way. I'd share a part of myself while still being totally defended. I'd tell someone I love them, but it was wrapped up in all these expectations. And I'd be so angry at them if they couldn't give me what I wanted. But I'm done taking things personally. I mean it still stings, and my feelings go wild, but I ride those waves until I come back home to myself. And that's all I ever wanted. Was to have a home for myself. A place that felt safe. And i realize you truly can't make a home out of others. You just can't it's not how this all works. And now all I can do is have faith. The word "Kavannah" in Hebrew means devotion. And I know I have a ton. And I will continue to devote myself to my healing work and to meeting each and every moment as best I can. I want to be brave, honest, and kind. I can't wait to see what unfolds, even though there's a part of me that's still scared shitless. I think I still don't truly believe all my wildest dreams can come true. But I'll tell you what. I will never stop trying.