I am fuming right now. It drips out of me like syrup sweet, thick and sticky. I can't believe I'm here again. It almost seems like nothing I do can allow me to escape this discomfort. Except I know that's not totally true. I can continue to fight to stay awake. To speak my truth. And that won't save me from the tragedies that life will bring, but it allow me to not suffer unproductively. So I will sit with this feeling, I will swim through the mucky tar as best I can. And I will go deeper and deeper inside myself. I will continue to find the light that I had buried so deep inside me. And I will have faith. Tons and tons of faith that if I continue to meet each moment with as much presence and integrity as possible I will have what I've always truly wanted. To feel alive.
I'm feeling such a huge shift happening in my body. I'm starting to truly realize that God/the universe has my back. That no matter what I do I am still loved. Sounds crazy right? But what if you cheat? What if you kill? What if you rape? I am not saying these actions don't break my heart or others hearts. I'm not saying that pain isn't terrible to experience. But there's a bigger picture here. And I'm still not necessarily "okay" with it. But I'm accepting it while also still believing in the good of the universe. Remembering that everything truly will be okay. That all I can do is try to be as connected to my heart as I can be. To give people, second, third or how ever many chances I feel like giving. I am an adult, and I'm in charge of my path. No one gets to tell me what it should look like but me. And if I get hurt it's okay. Because every time I've gotten hurt it only brought me closer to my truth and to God. But that doesn't mean I will go out looking for destruction. I don't need to stir up unnecessary drama to feel alive. But I also won't avoid the fire; I'll just go slowly. I'll dip my toes in over and over until it feels right. I am done with forcing things. With having an agenda. I want to awaken to my blind spots, and truly come into relationship with reality. Wish me luck, because I think I'm in love.
The thunder is rolling in right now. I'm excited to hear it. I need some drama stirred up in a healthy way to distract from the pain. This past week has been especially intense and triggering, but also beautifully hopeful. I learned and implemented a huge lesson. I was getting a massage and the woman was pressing way too hard on my back. It really hurt. But I thought I had to grin and bear it. But after 10 minutes of positively talking to myself, I asked her twice to be more gentle in a kind light-hearted way. As soon as she heard me and started to go more softly I starting weeping. My head was in that weird uncomfortable hole thing, so she didn't see me cry. God, forbid someone sees us crying, right? I'm so embarrassed to be a human. But, anyway, I cried because I realized I don't have to suffer unnecessarily. I can cry our for mercy. I can ask the universe to be a bit gentler with me. How so? Rest when you need rest. Cry when you're sad. Take space when you need space. Express your truth and your needs, while respecting others. It's so hard to love ourselves and make ourselves heard to others. We think we need to hold back our true selves. But things are truly shifting. We can let people see how sensitive we are. We don't have to pretend to be stronger than we are. We can cry out for mercy, and step away from things that hurt us. It's all going to be okay. If you speak your truth and lose people or situations because of it let them fall off. Follow your path, and include your fears, but don't allow them to get in your way. Keep going and remember to compassionately speak your needs. "Real love is bold, honest, and has boundaries." We no longer have to be fake martyrs who give until we are run dry or take so much we are about to break. Move forward as the gentle flower you are.
Today I can clearly hear the crows calling my name. I've been seeing them a lot since I moved to my new apartment. I looked up what they mean, and one site said entering the dark mystery. I'll tell you, doing this healing work has been super hard on me lately. The demons that I'm facing are dark and ugly. They are fucking angry. And it's hard to claim this rage. It was always easier for me to fall into depression then to hold onto this red sticky thick anger. It's so heavy on me. And it's an ancient rage. It's sick, it's pure disconnected evil. Because what it is evil anyway? It's being furthest from the light, it's physical manifestation or "Malkut" on the tree of life. It brings me to the story of Adam and Eve, or as I like to say Eve and Adam. I was not raised on the bible, but I do believe these stories have great symbology in them. Eve and Adam were in heaven with the animals. There is no veil there, no illusion of separation. But it was decided they needed more of a challenge. They needed more "life", which is why Eve bit into the apple. The original carving out that occured for life to take place. There's a sadness there. That to create something, something must be taken away. That to have life there must be loss. In my eyes sin is the contraction "God" made in order for life to exist. It's the crack that allows the light to come in. But because of these cracks we are all imperfect. We have innate sin just to exist here. But Jesus (who in my eyes is an ascended master) died for our sins. What does that mean? That means he came down with (and died for) the message that it is okay to be human, that we are already forgiven. It is okay to have these desires that we carry such shame over. We are animals with consciousness. We were made to be flawed. It's a healing universe and without these flaws, these imperfections, we couldn't evolve and grow. Love is the fabric of the universe, and love is in everything. So even the things we perceive to be so evil are still capable of being healed. But we we first need to start accepting all of these places within ourselves. The murderer, the lazy one, the sexual one, the abuser, the abused, etc. We are all multifaceted gems walking this Earth plane. Life itself includes destruction. But it's not about becoming killing machines. It's about acceptance of our truest nature. Knowing we are all collectively sick and imperfect. Let's find ways to express these desires in productive ways rather than hurting each other unnecessary. Let's start to get honest with each other. Let's dance, let's make love, let's create art, let's scream, let's wail. It's time to be who we are meant to be. After all, you can't stop fate.
A Power Rangers job is to protect true justice. The flow of life. It's about respecting nature , which sometimes includes killing , but with great integrity and honoring of the flow of life. We have abused the flow, by abusing our power as the dominant animals on this planet. It's time to stop abusing our power in this system. It's not just Trump.
It's so crazy how offended people are by me as I heal and start to express parts of myself I before had severed. Now, I get it's not personal, but it makes me feel like I'm in high school again trying to be cool. When I was a teenager, I cared so much about popularity. I thought it truly mattered, and all I wanted was to fit in. I did a great job, back then. I was very popular and most people thought I was super happy. Except, I wasn't. I was actually in deep pain, and hated being at both my mom's and dad's house. I never felt like I had a safe home. So, I thought if I at least won the popularity contest in school, I'd have victory in at least one world. But the truth is it was a false victory. I was still depressed and I lost who I was. And now as I start to bring life back to these places, some people are arising trying to put me down and get me to hide my truest self. And it hurts. Even at 36 it still stings really badly. But I'm not 14 anymore, so even though it hurts I know they don't actually have power over me. And I no longer want to be friends with people who put me down. I know that being cool is really about being true to yourself. And nothing will stop me from continuing to bring my light into this world. And not only that, but I refuse to put other people down. Even the ones who are tying to hurt me. Because I see their pain. I see their insecurities. I can sense them in other people, because I see them in myself. And I no longer want to lash out in order to feel big. I used to do that to feel better about myself, but it always felt worse in the end. I had hurt them and also myself. I want to soften and be a good role model for my beautiful son. Who is entering middle school next year, and will be met with the same attitude but even worse. Because that's where all this starts. Kids feel so weird and alone so they attempt to fit in so others won't see their truest selves. But guess what? We are all crazy weird beautiful beings. and I'm no longer scared to show it. My heart goes out to any child, teenager, or adult getting bullied. Please know you are not alone.
I don't know what's around the corner, but I try to have faith that whatever lies in the mystery ahead is filled with blessings. Even if they don't seem like a blessing at first, I try to remember that everything that has happened in my life has led me here. To this precious moment. If I took away any of the stepping stones that got me here the entire road would crumble. It wasn't easy going through some of my darkest days. I had to truly struggle to find the light in certain moments. But I never gave up hope. I always knew deep in my heart who I was, and that I would get through anything. And now here I am, with an incredible 10 year old son who tells me everyday how much he loves and appreciates me. Honestly, what else could I have asked for? Of course, I still want my dream career, but it won't compare to the bond I have with that little boy. I had to really struggle to heal and become more and more present for him. But I did it, and continue to do it. Almost daily now, I see an ugly part of myself that I attempt to look at honestly but with compassion. Changing is hard, but I feel blessed that I was able to wake up in this lifetime, and have the opportunity to heal lineage-old wounds. Like I said, I don't know what's around the corner, but if it's half as beautiful as my son then I'm more than ready.